New Year, New Me

I know... Totally cliche right? But I want so badly for this to be true.

So what's new for me in 2013?
I'm going back to school - finally finishing my degree.
Really getting healthy - no fad diets here. We're talking lifestyle changes.
Removing negative influences - saying goodbye to people and things that bring me down.
Focusing on family - not only me and the hubby and our desire to have kids, but also our loved ones that get unknowingly neglected at times.

2012 was not the best year for me and my family. I'm glad to be able to start fresh in 2013... Plus 13 is my favorite number!

About time for VACATION!

You have no idea how excited my husband and I are about finally having vacation time together! My hubby switched jobs this past year and wasn't able to take any time off until now. Coming from a job where he had a month of paid time off each year to this new arrangement has definitely been challenging. I still had 4 weeks of vacation - which I have used for long weekends and one, now infamous, road trip, but we haven't been able to go anywhere together. Next month that all changes.

My parents have graciously volunteered to come watch our fur-babies. I am so grateful for this help. I am a very overprotective Momma and can't stand the thought of boarding my kids. Now they'll get to be spoiled by their grandparents while the two of us enjoy our alone time in Michigan.

We'll be driving up for a week spent shopping, eating, and exploring in Traverse City and Frankenmuth. I'm thrilled to get some Christmas shopping done and visit some of our favorite restaurants. I'll be sure to post pictures when we get back.

On a much sadder note - our beloved Grubby cat passed away last week. It was sudden and are still wrecked from the loss. He will be missed.

Curious about organic foods

Last weekend while grocery shopping at my local supermarket I ended up purchasing waaay more organic food than usual. Don't get me wrong, as far as produce goes we try to buy local/organic as much as possible, but we've never gone much beyond that. My thought process is this: why buy organic processed foods when the preservatives alone are enough to induce cancer. However, my grocery store was running some ridiculous sale (Buy 10 participating items / get $5 off at checkout) that left most of the shelves practically post-apocalyptic empty. We were running on bare-bones as it was, so we purchased new variations of our staple items. I brought home organic butter, organic boxed mac and cheese, organic breakfast pastries, organic canned soups... you get the picture.

I hate to say it, but I loved them all!!! Now... I have no idea if I could tell a difference given a blind taste test, but to me the organic versions were all tastier. I felt better eating them too - like the guilt of my sugary breakfast treat was somehow less because of the organic label. Ohmygoodness!What have I gotten myself into? I guess I will just have to try a little of each to see which ones really come out on top. It sounds like a pretty terrific challenge to me!

Plotting the Course

In my last post I was very honest with myself and everyone else about where we were in our trying to conceive (TTC) journey. I think that really helped mentally prepare my husband and I for what lies next. Fertility issues are such a private matter initially as you try to suss out where your problem conceiving lies. We were barely making sense of what was going on with us let alone trying to explain it to those around us. All of our siblings and cousins are married off with children - we are the only ones having difficulty. Besides politely shrugging off the "When are you guys going to start having babies?" question at all the family gatherings, we really weren't comfortable going into specifics. I guess I felt defective in some way - like the most important job in the universe for a woman was the one thing I couldn't accomplish. Who wants to run around with a sticker on her forehead that reads "I'm Infertile?" People finally stopped asking questions - to our faces at least. My Mom would keep me in the loop as to who was feeling her out for information on our condition.

Enough about the past. Moving forward we have decided to thoroughly research all our options. My husband was adopted; so, we are hoping his Father will share his experiences in that area. We have begun researching agencies and the adoption process in our state. We haven't yet given up hope of conceiving and are also looking into different therapies, costs associated, and the success rates attached. I've always been really nerdy, and this process allows me to get my geek on.

We've also been including our family and friends in the loop and have been rewarded with encouraging feedback and advice. I will try to share more regularly as we find our way. We're over the stigma and are ready to plot our course into happiness!

Current Step: Research adoption and alternative fertility therapies pertaining to our conditions
Next Step: Meet with new fertility specialist and attend "Is adoption for you?" workshop
Ongoing Action: Continue steps to make our bodies healthier and keep friends and family in the loop

Hello! My name is Debbie Downer.

I haven't posted in quite some time. In all honesty, I've been feeling rather sorry for myself. It's a little pathetic to admit it, but I'm just going to let it all hang out on here. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. Of those years we've been trying to conceive for 6.Very early on in our efforts we learned that I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Besides giving me horribly irregular, painful periods as well as other very unpleasant symptoms it makes for a difficult time of getting pregnant.

I went through the regular course of tests and one round of Clomid therapy to stimulate ovulation only to have our hopes shattered month after month when Auntie Flo came to visit. A year or so into the process my doctor had the bright idea that my husband should be tested as well. Go figure - he has some issues too. We were doubly tragic and broke, because our insurance doesn't cover fertility testing or treatment. We decided to take a break from the madness to repay our debt and regain our sanity.

Here we set a few years later - debt and lives in check. We have reached the age where all of our friends, family, and co-workers are paired off and expecting children. In the last 2 weeks, 3 ladies near and dear to me have announced they are expecting. I feel like a tool, because I'm heartbroken it's not me. Yes, I'm incredibly thrilled for them, but I can't control the sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. Then, I get even more disgusted at feeling that way. It really is a viscous cycle.

I'm not here to mope. I just needed to vent. Very few people in our lives outside of the immediate family know of our struggles. My blog is a safe place for me to put it all out into the universe without having to "say" it. It's time for us to make some big decisions as to how much time, effort, and money we want to invest in either becoming pregnant or adopting. Send some good vibes our way as we plot our course.

Things that make me happy today

Big Red Zero - let's me get my soda fix while adhering to my WW plan.

Song Pop app - sates my music addiction while fostering a healthy since of socialization and competition.

Seasonal fruits and veggies - peaches and zucchinis abound in the market and Pinterest has so many yummy recipes to keep me busy.

Anxiety Sucks

I have always been a mildly manic person. I tend to get really excited about things that make me happy or really caught up in things that make me anxious. I noticed it affecting me more after my husband survived a fire at our house that destroyed our second floor. I got really clingy with him. He was at home sleeping with our 2 dogs and 2 cats when the fire started in the bedroom. It was only by the Grace of God that he made it out unharmed. Unfortunately, one of our cats, Goomba, didn't make it out of the house.

Afterwards I started getting panic attacks. I didn't know that's what they were at first. I would be talking to the hubby on the phone, and when he hung up I felt physically different. I would immediately start thinking about where he was at and what he was doing. And then move straight towards the worst case scenario version of events in my head. These thoughts would cause my heart to beat really fast, palms to sweat, breath would come short and shallow. I thought I was suffocating. I would start to feel tingling all over and get  really cold. Lastly, comes the tunnel vision. That's when it gets really scary.

I went to the doctor with these symptoms. She told me that my anxiety keeps me on my toes- somehow gives me an advantage. I've yet to see it like that. But her suggestion to me was to give up caffeine. So that's what I did - cold turkey. No coffee, no tea, no soda, no chocolate. I didn't sleep any better, and the overwhelming feeling that I was going to die or lose my husband was actually getting more severe. After 6 months doing it her way with no results I went back to her determined for her to listen to me. She agreed to put me on something that would slow down my heart rate which was the symptom I was having the most trouble with.

I've been doing better with the panic attacks, but the anxiety and the worst case scenario scenes still play round and round in my head. I've been tip-toeing into the world of meditation for relaxation and stress release. I've attended a very basic ContEd class through the school of metaphysics to help with the fundamentals. So far the thing that helps the best is a free app I've put on my smart phone. Now I think it boils down to how long I can stick with it so that is becomes a habit. I would love to conquer this mental weakness.