Hello! My name is Debbie Downer.

I haven't posted in quite some time. In all honesty, I've been feeling rather sorry for myself. It's a little pathetic to admit it, but I'm just going to let it all hang out on here. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. Of those years we've been trying to conceive for 6.Very early on in our efforts we learned that I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Besides giving me horribly irregular, painful periods as well as other very unpleasant symptoms it makes for a difficult time of getting pregnant.

I went through the regular course of tests and one round of Clomid therapy to stimulate ovulation only to have our hopes shattered month after month when Auntie Flo came to visit. A year or so into the process my doctor had the bright idea that my husband should be tested as well. Go figure - he has some issues too. We were doubly tragic and broke, because our insurance doesn't cover fertility testing or treatment. We decided to take a break from the madness to repay our debt and regain our sanity.

Here we set a few years later - debt and lives in check. We have reached the age where all of our friends, family, and co-workers are paired off and expecting children. In the last 2 weeks, 3 ladies near and dear to me have announced they are expecting. I feel like a tool, because I'm heartbroken it's not me. Yes, I'm incredibly thrilled for them, but I can't control the sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. Then, I get even more disgusted at feeling that way. It really is a viscous cycle.

I'm not here to mope. I just needed to vent. Very few people in our lives outside of the immediate family know of our struggles. My blog is a safe place for me to put it all out into the universe without having to "say" it. It's time for us to make some big decisions as to how much time, effort, and money we want to invest in either becoming pregnant or adopting. Send some good vibes our way as we plot our course.

Things that make me happy today

Big Red Zero - let's me get my soda fix while adhering to my WW plan.

Song Pop app - sates my music addiction while fostering a healthy since of socialization and competition.

Seasonal fruits and veggies - peaches and zucchinis abound in the market and Pinterest has so many yummy recipes to keep me busy.

Anxiety Sucks

I have always been a mildly manic person. I tend to get really excited about things that make me happy or really caught up in things that make me anxious. I noticed it affecting me more after my husband survived a fire at our house that destroyed our second floor. I got really clingy with him. He was at home sleeping with our 2 dogs and 2 cats when the fire started in the bedroom. It was only by the Grace of God that he made it out unharmed. Unfortunately, one of our cats, Goomba, didn't make it out of the house.

Afterwards I started getting panic attacks. I didn't know that's what they were at first. I would be talking to the hubby on the phone, and when he hung up I felt physically different. I would immediately start thinking about where he was at and what he was doing. And then move straight towards the worst case scenario version of events in my head. These thoughts would cause my heart to beat really fast, palms to sweat, breath would come short and shallow. I thought I was suffocating. I would start to feel tingling all over and get  really cold. Lastly, comes the tunnel vision. That's when it gets really scary.

I went to the doctor with these symptoms. She told me that my anxiety keeps me on my toes- somehow gives me an advantage. I've yet to see it like that. But her suggestion to me was to give up caffeine. So that's what I did - cold turkey. No coffee, no tea, no soda, no chocolate. I didn't sleep any better, and the overwhelming feeling that I was going to die or lose my husband was actually getting more severe. After 6 months doing it her way with no results I went back to her determined for her to listen to me. She agreed to put me on something that would slow down my heart rate which was the symptom I was having the most trouble with.

I've been doing better with the panic attacks, but the anxiety and the worst case scenario scenes still play round and round in my head. I've been tip-toeing into the world of meditation for relaxation and stress release. I've attended a very basic ContEd class through the school of metaphysics to help with the fundamentals. So far the thing that helps the best is a free app I've put on my smart phone. Now I think it boils down to how long I can stick with it so that is becomes a habit. I would love to conquer this mental weakness.