About time for VACATION!

You have no idea how excited my husband and I are about finally having vacation time together! My hubby switched jobs this past year and wasn't able to take any time off until now. Coming from a job where he had a month of paid time off each year to this new arrangement has definitely been challenging. I still had 4 weeks of vacation - which I have used for long weekends and one, now infamous, road trip, but we haven't been able to go anywhere together. Next month that all changes.

My parents have graciously volunteered to come watch our fur-babies. I am so grateful for this help. I am a very overprotective Momma and can't stand the thought of boarding my kids. Now they'll get to be spoiled by their grandparents while the two of us enjoy our alone time in Michigan.

We'll be driving up for a week spent shopping, eating, and exploring in Traverse City and Frankenmuth. I'm thrilled to get some Christmas shopping done and visit some of our favorite restaurants. I'll be sure to post pictures when we get back.

On a much sadder note - our beloved Grubby cat passed away last week. It was sudden and are still wrecked from the loss. He will be missed.

Curious about organic foods

Last weekend while grocery shopping at my local supermarket I ended up purchasing waaay more organic food than usual. Don't get me wrong, as far as produce goes we try to buy local/organic as much as possible, but we've never gone much beyond that. My thought process is this: why buy organic processed foods when the preservatives alone are enough to induce cancer. However, my grocery store was running some ridiculous sale (Buy 10 participating items / get $5 off at checkout) that left most of the shelves practically post-apocalyptic empty. We were running on bare-bones as it was, so we purchased new variations of our staple items. I brought home organic butter, organic boxed mac and cheese, organic breakfast pastries, organic canned soups... you get the picture.

I hate to say it, but I loved them all!!! Now... I have no idea if I could tell a difference given a blind taste test, but to me the organic versions were all tastier. I felt better eating them too - like the guilt of my sugary breakfast treat was somehow less because of the organic label. Ohmygoodness!What have I gotten myself into? I guess I will just have to try a little of each to see which ones really come out on top. It sounds like a pretty terrific challenge to me!

Plotting the Course

In my last post I was very honest with myself and everyone else about where we were in our trying to conceive (TTC) journey. I think that really helped mentally prepare my husband and I for what lies next. Fertility issues are such a private matter initially as you try to suss out where your problem conceiving lies. We were barely making sense of what was going on with us let alone trying to explain it to those around us. All of our siblings and cousins are married off with children - we are the only ones having difficulty. Besides politely shrugging off the "When are you guys going to start having babies?" question at all the family gatherings, we really weren't comfortable going into specifics. I guess I felt defective in some way - like the most important job in the universe for a woman was the one thing I couldn't accomplish. Who wants to run around with a sticker on her forehead that reads "I'm Infertile?" People finally stopped asking questions - to our faces at least. My Mom would keep me in the loop as to who was feeling her out for information on our condition.

Enough about the past. Moving forward we have decided to thoroughly research all our options. My husband was adopted; so, we are hoping his Father will share his experiences in that area. We have begun researching agencies and the adoption process in our state. We haven't yet given up hope of conceiving and are also looking into different therapies, costs associated, and the success rates attached. I've always been really nerdy, and this process allows me to get my geek on.

We've also been including our family and friends in the loop and have been rewarded with encouraging feedback and advice. I will try to share more regularly as we find our way. We're over the stigma and are ready to plot our course into happiness!

Current Step: Research adoption and alternative fertility therapies pertaining to our conditions
Next Step: Meet with new fertility specialist and attend "Is adoption for you?" workshop
Ongoing Action: Continue steps to make our bodies healthier and keep friends and family in the loop

Hello! My name is Debbie Downer.

I haven't posted in quite some time. In all honesty, I've been feeling rather sorry for myself. It's a little pathetic to admit it, but I'm just going to let it all hang out on here. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. Of those years we've been trying to conceive for 6.Very early on in our efforts we learned that I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Besides giving me horribly irregular, painful periods as well as other very unpleasant symptoms it makes for a difficult time of getting pregnant.

I went through the regular course of tests and one round of Clomid therapy to stimulate ovulation only to have our hopes shattered month after month when Auntie Flo came to visit. A year or so into the process my doctor had the bright idea that my husband should be tested as well. Go figure - he has some issues too. We were doubly tragic and broke, because our insurance doesn't cover fertility testing or treatment. We decided to take a break from the madness to repay our debt and regain our sanity.

Here we set a few years later - debt and lives in check. We have reached the age where all of our friends, family, and co-workers are paired off and expecting children. In the last 2 weeks, 3 ladies near and dear to me have announced they are expecting. I feel like a tool, because I'm heartbroken it's not me. Yes, I'm incredibly thrilled for them, but I can't control the sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. Then, I get even more disgusted at feeling that way. It really is a viscous cycle.

I'm not here to mope. I just needed to vent. Very few people in our lives outside of the immediate family know of our struggles. My blog is a safe place for me to put it all out into the universe without having to "say" it. It's time for us to make some big decisions as to how much time, effort, and money we want to invest in either becoming pregnant or adopting. Send some good vibes our way as we plot our course.

Things that make me happy today

Big Red Zero - let's me get my soda fix while adhering to my WW plan.

Song Pop app - sates my music addiction while fostering a healthy since of socialization and competition.

Seasonal fruits and veggies - peaches and zucchinis abound in the market and Pinterest has so many yummy recipes to keep me busy.

Anxiety Sucks

I have always been a mildly manic person. I tend to get really excited about things that make me happy or really caught up in things that make me anxious. I noticed it affecting me more after my husband survived a fire at our house that destroyed our second floor. I got really clingy with him. He was at home sleeping with our 2 dogs and 2 cats when the fire started in the bedroom. It was only by the Grace of God that he made it out unharmed. Unfortunately, one of our cats, Goomba, didn't make it out of the house.

Afterwards I started getting panic attacks. I didn't know that's what they were at first. I would be talking to the hubby on the phone, and when he hung up I felt physically different. I would immediately start thinking about where he was at and what he was doing. And then move straight towards the worst case scenario version of events in my head. These thoughts would cause my heart to beat really fast, palms to sweat, breath would come short and shallow. I thought I was suffocating. I would start to feel tingling all over and get  really cold. Lastly, comes the tunnel vision. That's when it gets really scary.

I went to the doctor with these symptoms. She told me that my anxiety keeps me on my toes- somehow gives me an advantage. I've yet to see it like that. But her suggestion to me was to give up caffeine. So that's what I did - cold turkey. No coffee, no tea, no soda, no chocolate. I didn't sleep any better, and the overwhelming feeling that I was going to die or lose my husband was actually getting more severe. After 6 months doing it her way with no results I went back to her determined for her to listen to me. She agreed to put me on something that would slow down my heart rate which was the symptom I was having the most trouble with.

I've been doing better with the panic attacks, but the anxiety and the worst case scenario scenes still play round and round in my head. I've been tip-toeing into the world of meditation for relaxation and stress release. I've attended a very basic ContEd class through the school of metaphysics to help with the fundamentals. So far the thing that helps the best is a free app I've put on my smart phone. Now I think it boils down to how long I can stick with it so that is becomes a habit. I would love to conquer this mental weakness.

...eating like it's my last day!

Today I am doing what you are NEVER supposed to do before starting a healthy eating plan - eating like it's my last meal. That's right today will be loaded with all sorts or cheesy, carb-filled goodness. I woke up this morning with the intention of making popovers for my husband. (Get the recipe here.)

He has loved these things since childhood, and I rarely ever make them. We usually accompany these tasty delights with strawberry infused butter. Ohmygoodness! Talk about heaven. But I didn't stop my baking adventure there. I decided to try a new recipe I found posted on Pinterest for cheesy garlic biscuits. Yep, I made some of those too. (Get the recipe here.) While I was at it I made some mac & cheese and drank a grape soda. Yikes! I promise I'm done torturing my stomach for the day, but it was all sooo good. I'd like to think I have it out of my system now - over indulging to the point where I shouldn't want anything for awhile. I guess we'll have to wait and see how tomorrow turns out.

ABC's of Me

Age – 28. Eek! Almost the end of a fabulous decade of living. 

Bed - King. The hubby and I share it with a 115 pound Golden Retriever and a 12 pound Shih Tzu. The king is definitely necessary.

Chore you hate – Cleaning carpets! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind vacuuming, but I hate running the shampooer. The hubby is kind enough to take care of that one for me on most occasions.

Dog or Cats – Both! I have a Golden Retriever (Sosa), a Shih Tzu (Bowser), and 2 cats (Coffee & Grubbs)

Essential start of the day – Dark roast coffee with French vanilla creamer and Splenda.

Favorite color – Purple!

Gold or Silver – Silver or white gold.

Height – 5’7”

Instrument – I don’t play anything well, but I can peck around the piano/organ and know some power chords on the guitar.

Job – I’m in banking. I love my job! I get to meet new people every day and help make people’s lives easier.

Kids – Only the fur-babies, but I would love to have a couple little ones in the very near future.

Where do you Live – In a suburb of Indianapolis. The Midwest suits me for now, but I would love to end up in the Pacific Northwest.

Favorite Movie – Wow! That’s hard. I love movies and my favorites depend on my mood at the time. A few of my most viewed are Dirty Dancing, Juno, Center Stage, Girl Interrupted, and Man on Fire.

Nickname – Squooshy (courtesy of my hubby), Doodle Bug or Buggah (given to me by my brother), or Am (a shortened version of my name, Amberly).

Overnight hospital stay – Thankfully, never.

Pet peeve – Bad grammar!

Favorite Quote – “And if these pictures have anything important to say to future generations it’s this: I was here. I existed. I was young. I was happy, and someone cared enough about me in this world to take my picture.” Robin Williams as Sy Parrish in One Hour Photo.

Right or left handed – I’m a righty who secretly wishes she was left-handed.

Siblings – A younger brother.

Time it takes to get ready – It depends on the occasion, but my hair is incredibly unruly and takes a lot of time to tame. Maybe an hour on average.

Underwear – I am a cutesy cotton hipster kinda girl.

Vegetable you hate – Peas! They are bitter and the texture creeps me out.

What makes you late – Getting the dogs to do their business and get back in the house. The hubby! He is always looking for his keys or phone. It’s hilarious when you’re not in the moment.

Xrays you've had – The most recent would be at the dentist, but I’ve had fractures and spurs in my feet, a broken wrist, and a fractured wrist.

Yummy food that you make – I make some mean mac & cheese and baked chicken and rice. The hubby says he loves my cooking, but I think he just loves me!

Favorite Zoo animal – Polar Bears! They’re just so stinking cute for being so huge.

A big thank you to Jennifer over at Oh My Owls! for posting this cute getting-to-know-you list - a great way to spend my lunch break today.

...amused by blue-haired women cheating at BINGO.

Seriously!? I actually saw two geriatric women escorted off the premises of my local VFW for cheating at BINGO. I didn't even know that was possible. I know you might be wondering why a 28-year-old attends BINGO on a semi-regular basis, but all I can say is it's fun. My friend Margot invited me to come out with her Mom and some friends, and I enjoyed it so much I kept going back. I've only BINGO'd once (and for $16 at that), but I enjoy people watching. You get a completely unique crowd at the VFW - as demonstrated by the title of this post. I've seen several mother/daughter, husband/wife, and various friend duos of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds.
So back to my original point. How did these women cheat at this incredibly random game? By visiting their local Kinkos. I guess if you live on the fixed income provided by social security it makes logical sense to print out your own BINGO cards instead of paying the $17 to support your local Veterans of Foreign Wars. Economic crisis made manifest or gambling addicts? You decide.

...recovering from vacation.

Why do I always feel like upon returning from a vacation I need another 2 to 5 days off at home to recuperate? Granted I didn't pick the most relaxing of holidays. A 1,300 mile road trip to Canada over 4 days to a festival concert with a "new" friend. I realize that last sentence had a lot going on it; so, let me break it down for you.

Yes, I decided to drive from Greenwood, Indiana to Toronto, Ontario and back over the course of a long weekend. Call me crazy, but I drive on average 100 miles a day in a work week anyway. I didn't think 1,300 miles would be terribly taxing on me. Boy was I wrong! We left home at 11am on Thursday. The bags all neatly stowed alongside the cooler of bottled water and Big Red Zero in the back of my car while Liza and I excitedly chatted about our upcoming adventure.

Liza and I have known each other for 5 years or so. Well, maybe "known" is a bit too familiar a term. Acquainted is a better fit. Our husbands are close friends, and we have rarely done anything throughout the years without them as a buffer. In fact, my husband was originally supposed to be my traveling companion, but had to back out due to work. I knew that Liza was someone I'd like to get to know better and was always tons of fun at dinners - so why not invite her to take his place? The trip turned out to be very informative.

The 4 hour drive from Indy to Frankenmuth, Michigan went very well. She and I chatted pleasantly about all sorts of things, took pictures of oddities we saw along the road, and still had energy to go out and explore our layover destination. (See attached picture.) It was the drive from Michigan to Canada where things started to teeter into a not-so-good space. It was long and boring. We were tired and hungry and running out of things to talk about. My GPS directed us to avoid the major roadways and instead suggested a roundabout way that provided little to no entertainment. Liza had a full bladder and none of the gas stations or convenience stores provided washrooms for public use, but they do have ketchup flavored potato chips and pickle flavored Doritos.

We finally arrive at our hotel at 8pm Friday. The first clue that this was not going to be a relaxing stay in a swanky hotel were the scores of unattended children literally running through the lobby. As we ride the elevator to our 7th floor suite we hear the din of screaming children coming from the first 4 floors. The pool, bar, and business centre were overrun with hockey kids and their inebriated parents. Oh joy!

Canada has some odd notions about alcohol. The legal drinking age in Toronto is 19, but liquor isn't sold in grocery stores. You can choose from either the LCBO or the Beer Hut, both of which close at 9pm. Liza and I drove with purpose to reach the LCBO before closing time. We did and were able to play a nice little drinking game while watching Say Yes to the Dress - good thing they cry a lot on those shows.

Saturday was concert day and my entire purpose for planning this road trip in the first place. Liza woke up barfing from last night's hotel TV games. We slept through the free hot breakfast. She and I finally pulled it together enough to get dressed and out the door, grab some fast food, and make it to EdgeFest in time to hear the Dirty Heads on stage as we walked up to the gates. We make it through check-in and get in line for our free Smirnoff samples. After that we quickly learn that all the vendors only accept cash (CAD) and the onsite ATMs don't like American debit cards. "Declined" Liza doesn't want to stay unless she can drink. So we saunter up to security and ask if we can get an exception to come back into the festival if we leave to go get money. Vincent, the security guard, says that one of us can leave while the other one stays with him at the gate - NO! Liza's husband would kill me if he knew I left his wife alone at a concert in a foreign country, even if it is Canada. So we walk around a bit trying to engineer a creative solution. No such luck. We both leave and Vincent tells us if we can find some cash and he is still at the gate he'll let us back in. Trusty Carmen, the Garmin, directed us to a lovely ATM that actually liked my card enough to give me some cash! We made it back over to the concert in time to see my highlight of the show Silversun Pickups. I had enough cash to buy us each 2 drinks, but unfortunately no concert shirt for the hubby. :-( We left right after Silversun and ran back to the hotel to bathe and relax after the day's stress. Very little talking Saturday night, but a really good delivery pizza and soda in French cans.

Sunday morning we wake up semi-refreshed and make it down to breakfast where we both people watch more than talk. Uh~oh not a good way to start a 12 hour day that will be spent in the car. Trying to get home my GPS navigated us in circles. Liza decided she was too bored to navigate and instead asked to drive. Together we plotted a course in a Southwesterly direction.  We didn't talk at all unless it was too make a stop or switch roadways. It turned into a horribly long trip filled with wrong turns and detours. We arrived at her house at 7pm. She was in such a hurry to get out of my car that she left her camera and alcohol. She didn't even want me to help her in with her bags. I believe her parting words were, "I'll see you when I see you." I think this trip may have ruined any chance of us being real friends.

I'm just exhausted and so thankful to be in my home with my bed and my husband and be able to cuddle with my fur babies. Let the vacation from my vacation begin!

...dealing with the joys of home ownership.

I came home from a 12 hour day of work to learn that our hot water heater was leaking rusty water all over my laundry room floor. My husband was futilely trying to keep the leak controlled, but to no avail. So in times of crisis I did what I always do - call my parents.

If you are lucky enough to still have your parents in your life, then you know what I'm talking about. There are no greater people to solve the most ridiculous of issues or talk you through the most maddening of situations.  My husband and I both work full time and generally not your standard, predictable hours. Luckily, my parents are retired and able to step in for us when we have these minor catastrophes. They are not only going to pick out our new water heater, but also coordinate the delivery and installation while we're at work. In a perfect world, I'll come home tomorrow night and be able to take a warm shower thanks to my amazing parents!

...trying not to"Parrot"

I am a very suggestable person. I “parrot” language a lot – words and accents. My Mom does the same thing. It used to really embarrass me when she spoke broken English to the waitress at the Chinese restaurant or magically developed the perfect Southern-twang when talking on the phone to my uncle in Alabama. Now I find myself thinking, “Do I do that? Am I embarrassing my husband?” If I’m so easily influenced by the way people speak, how else am I being affected? 

Maybe there is some truth to the theory of surrounding yourself with those who you wish to emulate. I would rather “parrot” the successful, happy people than the unproductive, miserable ones in my life. 

Now I’m determined to seek out some interesting, successful, happily-married, physically-fit, stylish people to befriend. Hopefully, their essence rubs off on me and I can finally become the better version of me I have always envisioned. Any takers?